


All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

by loveisallyouneed21



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Trauma, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Feelings, Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:19:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveisallyouneed21/pseuds/loveisallyouneed21
Summary: Two moments, one where Patrick has to deal with a traumatic memory and one where homophobia comes from someone outside of Schitt’s Creek.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 12
Kudos: 132





	All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place at the end of season 5 and continues into season 6.
> 
> Title from the song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

It’s the week of dress rehearsals or as the cast of Cabaret affectionately call it hell week. At rehearsal on Monday, Mrs. Rose covers how the week will be structured and honestly it sounds exhausting, but also exciting knowing that at the end of this week is opening night. Costumes are handed out as well as makeup instructions and the actors are told that starting on Wednesday all rehearsals will be in full costume and makeup so they can practice going through the whole show as if an audience is watching. 

As Patrick is driving home Monday night, he realizes that he has no clue how to do makeup. Obviously there is no budget for makeup artists or anything and each actor is expected to be able to execute their assigned makeup look, all of which look challenging. 

When Patrick walks into his apartment, a soft smile stretches over his face at the sight of David proudly setting the table for dinner. Patrick clears his throat and David turns around blushing slightly. 

“So what’s all this for?” Patrick teases. 

“I thought with it being the first night of hell week and whatnot that I could order the pizza for you this time instead of the other way around, but if my efforts aren’t appreciated I guess –“ David’s rambling speech gets cut off by a searing kiss from Patrick. 

Patrick slowly pulls away and says, “Who said anything about not appreciating this?” while blatantly checking David out. 

David swats his shoulder and waves his hands to usher Patrick to the table. While they enjoy dinner they discuss their days. David is fascinated to hear about the first day of hell week with his mother and is able to both laugh at his mother’s over the top dramatics and sympathize with Patrick’s stress. After cleaning up and migrating to the couch Patrick pulls out his costume to show David. 

David claps his hands and whistles before repeatedly chanting, “Fashion show. Fashion show.” 

“Can you please wait until Wednesday?” Patrick sighs while rolling his eyes. 

David raises one eyebrow before trailing off, “Because…”

Patrick laughs, “Because on Wednesday we start full dress rehearsals. You know running the whole show start to finish with props, costumes, makeup and so on?”

“Of course I know what full dress rehearsals are.” David scoffs before sighing, “Fine I guess I can wait.” 

Patrick leans in to press a kiss to David’s slightly protruding pouty bottom lip. 

“You know what we can do tonight?” Patrick asks playfully. “You can help me figure out this complicated makeup guide your mom gave me with a bag full of makeup, none of which I know how to use.” 

David giggles quietly before reaching out for the instructions and the products. Once David has gone over all the reading material he reaches for the foundation. 

“Alright first step. This is foundation which I will apply all over your face to provide coverage and a nice smooth base for the rest of the makeup.” David states matter-of-factly while leaning in to brush the first swipe of foundation across Patrick’s cheek. 

When the makeup brush first touches Patrick’s face his skin feels hot and scratchy. Patrick’s fingers start to twitch in discomfort; he assumes it’s just because he’s never worn makeup before. It might take a little time before he feels comfortable wearing makeup he reasons.

By the time David finishes the last stroke of foundation Patrick feels like his face is burning and crawling. He reaches his hands up to his face and feels his fingers flex against the desire to peel his skin off. Patrick jumps up and rushes to the bathroom where he starts harshly scrubbing at his face trying to get the makeup off so he can stop wanting to claw his face off. 

David follows behind him and after some time David gently grasps Patrick’s wrists and says, “Patrick there’s no foundation left, you are just rubbing away at your skin.”

Patrick barely hears David as he slides down to the floor and leans heavily against the wall. He grips tightly at his thighs, digging his nails in to prevent himself from scratching at his face. Patrick’s vision gets blurry and a deep sense of shame washes over his body. He feels like he is floating and disconnected from his body. Patrick suddenly gasps as he remembers. 

When the memories stop flashing against his eyelids and his hearing begins to clear, Patrick slowly opens his eyes to meet David’s concerned gaze. 

David whispers, “Hi love, look at you coming back. What’s going on? What will help?”

“I just I want to rip my face off. I feel like the makeup is still there. I just feel dirty like I can’t get clean enough.” Patrick looks at David desperately like he has the answers. 

“Alright, how about I turn on the shower and you can jump in, would that help you feel clean?” David questions. 

Patrick shrugs, “I’ll try anything.” 

Once David gets the temperature of the water just right he looks back to find Patrick still on the floor trembling. David undresses himself before lifting Patrick to his feet to do the same. David gently guides Patrick into the shower and takes his time washing Patrick's body and hair. Patrick clings on to David still shaking so they remain under the spray of the water until it runs cold. 

Once David has Patrick dried off, changed into comfy clothes and cuddled up in bed; Patrick begins softly crying. 

“I’m sorry.” Patrick chokes out. “This isn’t how I wanted tonight to end.” 

David quietly shushes him, “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” 

Patrick takes a deep breath and begins, “I don’t know everything that just happened. I didn’t like how the makeup felt on my skin so I went to rinse it off but it didn’t feel better. I started scrubbing my face as hard as possible to get it clean. Then the next thing I know I’m sitting on the floor and these memories that I didn’t know I had started just like flashing by.” 

David traces soothing patterns up and down Patrick’s back while he continues listening. 

Patrick squeezes his eyes shut and says, “I remembered being at my uncle’s house as a kid. I somehow got into my aunt’s makeup and had put blush and lipstick on messily. When my uncle found me he scrubbed my face raw while yelling that I’m a boy and boys don’t wear makeup.” 

David gasps before asking, “What did your aunt say? What did your parents do?”

Patrick plays with his fingers before saying, “My aunt was at the grocery store so she didn’t know and I never told my parents. I was too ashamed I guess and didn’t want them to know what I had done because I was scared they’d react the same way.”

“Patrick,” David sighs, “Honey, I’m so sorry that happened to you. You know now that what your uncle did wasn’t okay right? Your uncle is in the wrong, not you.”

“I guess yeah. I mean I know that my uncle shouldn’t have reacted that way, but what’ s wrong with me that I’m reacting this way to something that happened years ago?” Patrick questioned. 

“Patrick what happened to you was traumatizing and you can’t control the way your body and brain reacts to that trauma being triggered.” David reassures. 

Patrick looks up at David questioningly. 

“Okay so I’m quoting one of my old therapists, but it’s still true. What just happened was you having a panic attack and disassociating or something.” David pauses, “And I hate to say this, but it will likely happen again.”

Patrick looks defeated. “I didn’t even think about the fact that I’d have to wear makeup, I just thought being in the show would be fun. I didn’t even know I had that memory. It’s like it was pushed deep down into my subconscious or something.”

David opens his mouth to respond, but Patrick beats him to it. “Oh my god David what am I going to do? I have to be in makeup on Wednesday for dress rehearsals and then the show runs for like two weeks. I can’t just not wear makeup, the stage lights will completely wash me out which your mom, oh my god your mom. Your mom is going to be so disappointed when I have to tell her I’m quitting –“ 

David kisses Patrick chastely to interrupt his panicked rambling. David pulls back and gently runs his thumb up and down Patrick’s cheekbone. 

David calmly states, “No one said anything about quitting, you’ve worked so hard. We are going to figure something out, but I think for now it’s best to get some rest. We can talk about this more in the morning, okay love?” 

Patrick yawns and says okay before David lays them both down on the bed and pulls Patrick in closer to his chest.

The next day they do figure it out. David comes up with the idea of Patrick first applying moisturizer to his face before applying his makeup to create a barrier between his skin and the makeup. Patrick gives it a try and finds that tricking his mind into thinking he’s not really wearing the makeup because of the barrier actually works. He is able to go to dress rehearsal the following day in a full face of makeup without feeling like his skin is crawling. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Several months later, Patrick and David are spending the weekend visiting Patrick’s parents to go over last minute details for the wedding. All that is left is confirming the RSVPs on Patrick’s side of the family so David can begin working on a seating chart, however they all decide to take a break so his parents can run out and grab dinner for them all.

Patrick takes this break to check his email and voicemails on his phone. David sits across the kitchen table scrolling through social media and texting Stevie and Alexis on the updates to the wedding. David glances up when Patrick inhales a sharp breath. David watches Patrick as he listens to a voicemail, taking note of the pain slowly creeping into his eyes. When the voicemail ends Patrick slowly puts down his phone with a dazed expression taking over his face. 

David gets up and moves behind Patrick’s chair, gently rubbing his shoulders and asking, “Who was it from?”

“My uncle.” Patrick gulps. 

David pauses, “Wait your uncle as in the terrible uncle with the toxic masculinity who traumatized you as a child?” 

“Yeah that’s the one. He was just giving his RSVP for the wedding. Shocker he’s not coming.” Patrick says drily. 

David is actually shocked, but for a different reason. “How did he even get an invitation?” He questions. 

Patrick sighs and turns around to face David. “You know how my mom was feeling bad for not helping with more of the wedding stuff because she lives so far away?”

David nods his head and waits for further explanation. 

“Well she offered to help me send invitations. I sent her my side of the guest list, which included my uncle. I don’t know I guess I didn’t want to start family drama by not inviting him and I foolishly hoped that maybe he had changed.” Patrick says. 

David kisses Patrick’s forehead, “There is nothing foolish about thinking that. I’m guessing his RSVP was just as gentle as him yelling about makeup only being for girls?”

“Yeah. He started by saying he shouldn’t be surprised that this is coming from me, but nonetheless he is disappointed and ashamed. I won’t go over all the details but he basically quoted bible verses at me, told me not to come around him or his family until I overcome this sinful temptation of the devil and finished off by saying that he would pray for my soul.” By the end of his explanation Patrick’s voice begins to wobble slightly. 

“Who does he think he is? I mean I knew he reinforced gender stereotypes, but being this blatantly homophobic towards you. Who gave him the right?” David huffs angrily. 

Patrick laughs sarcastically, “He thinks it’s his right because he is my godfather, a role that he takes quite seriously. He takes the literal translation of godfather and thinks it is his responsibility to guide me through faith and religious education and whatnot.” 

Patrick takes a deep breath trying to calm down, but it doesn’t stop the tears from falling down his face. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying. I really shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction.” 

“No honey. No apologizing. No invalidating your feelings.” David returns his hands to Patrick’s shoulders and resumes rubbing them gently. 

Patrick gasps before stuttering “Yeah, I mean I knew this was coming, but fuck I didn’t think it would hurt this much. We’ve never had a great relationship, but still we’re family. It just hurts that he basically disowned me for being myself, for loving who I love.” 

David nods empathetically as Patrick takes a moment to keep breathing deeply. 

“I’m just scared now. What if my aunt and cousins think the same as my uncle? Especially my cousins, like the combination of me having to disappear on them and their dad filling their heads with these awful ideas? What if my cousins who I’ve always been so close with decide to disown me too?” Patrick cries. 

David tries to think rationally to help calm Patrick down, since his fiancé is usually a practical thinker. “Okay love you’re going to have to help me out a little because you have so many cousins. How old are these cousins again?” 

“They’re my youngest cousins: 22, 20 and 17.” Patrick states. 

David thinks a minute before responding, “Okay, so two of them are already legal adults and in a year so will the third. That means it’s their choice, not their father’s, whether or not to continue having a relationship with you. And Patrick from the stories I’ve heard you and your cousins have a great relationship that I doubt will change once they know you’re gay.” 

Patrick wipes some of the tears off his face and nods as David continues, “No matter what happens I’ll always be here for you. We will get through it together.” 

Patrick cries harder as he stands up and stumbles into David’s arms. Tucking his face into David’s neck and feeling David’s warmth surround him, Patrick feels a little better reminding himself that David supports him. Patrick pulls back from the embrace quicker then he would have liked and starts frantically wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt. 

“Shit. My parents are going to be home any minute. They can’t see me like this. My mom can’t see me like this, I mean it’s her brother, I can’t do that to her.” Patrick panics. 

“Honey I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you can’t keep this from your mom forever. She is going to want to know why your uncle isn’t coming to our wedding. It might even be sort of healing for you to be the one to tell them, not just about the voicemail today, but also what happened to you as a kid. I know you’re worried about your mom, but she is fiercely protective of you and she is going to be on your side because once again your uncle is the one who’s in the wrong not you.” David tries to soothe Patrick.

Patrick sighs, “No I know. You’re right.” 

This is normally where David would quip something about how he is always right, but seeing how genuinely upset Patrick is he remains quiet. 

Patrick looks away from David and mutters, “Will you stay with me while I tell them?”

David puts his finger under Patrick’s chin and tips his head up. Once their eyes are locked on each other David says, “I’m not going anywhere love.” David leans in for a kiss before grabbing Patrick’s hand and leading him to the living room. They settle into the loveseat and wait. 

When Mr. and Mrs. Brewer return and make their way into the living room David gives Patrick’s hand a squeeze reminding him of his presence. Patrick’s parents sit on the couch opposite them with concern in their eyes at the look on their son’s face. 

His mom starts, “Sweetie are you okay? What’s going on?” 

Patrick takes a breath, “Um Uncle Keegan called; he isn’t coming to the wedding.” 

His mom looks genuinely surprised, “What? Did he say why?”

David runs his thumb back and forth against Patrick’s hand hoping to provide some comfort. 

Patrick struggles with what words to say. Which words will upset his mom the least. He clears his throat, “He doesn’t um approve of my relationship with David for ah religious reasons.

His mom gasps, “What? That can’t be right. He’s always been religious, but you’re family. Anyway he can’t believe that, he can’t use religion to try and cover up homophobia. What exactly did he say?”

Patrick doesn’t think he can repeat what his uncle said, so he pulls up the voicemail on his phone, puts it on speaker and hits play. 

The room is silent except for his uncle’s booming hateful voice. This is the first time David is hearing word for word what was said and he is appalled. He can feel Patrick’s hand start to shake in his so he wraps his arm around Patrick’s shoulders and pulls him in to his side. 

David looks up and sees Patrick’s parents in a similar position. As Mrs. Brewer’s eyes begin to water David can feel Patrick’s tears start soaking his shirt. The voicemail ends and they remain sitting in shocked silence. 

After a moment Mrs. Brewer sits up straight and wipes away her tears. She looks at Patrick determined and promises, “I’m going to talk to him. This is absolutely not okay for him to treat you this way and I’m going to let him know that he can’t talk to my son that way.” 

Patrick cries harder and looks at David. David gives him a quick hug and a kiss to the temple before leaning down to his ear and whispering, “You can do this Patrick. I love you. I’m right here for you.” 

Patrick takes a few calming breaths before saying, “There’s um something else mom. I don’t want to upset you, but I don’t know if he will bring it up when you talk to him and I’d rather you hear it from me first.” 

Patrick explains what happened to him as a kid, just like he did months ago to David. 

He can see that his mother is getting even more upset and when he finishes they both stand up and hug each other tight in the middle of the room. 

She whispers, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t protect you. “ 

He whispers, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

When they pull apart she composes herself and announces that she is going to step out to call her brother. His dad comes over and gives Patrick a hug before following after his mom. 

Patrick curls up into David’s lap and enjoys the comfort of being held by his fiancé. 

Later that night as they lay in bed Patrick turns so he is facing David. “Thank you.” He whispers. “Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for encouraging me to talk to my parents. Knowing that I have their support and your support makes me feel a lot better about facing whatever the future holds.” 

David pulls Patrick closer and kisses him before tucking Patrick’s head under his chin. He responds by simply saying, “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to take a moment and say I really admire Dan Levy creating this show and this town where we don’t see homophobia or bigotry portrayed. Schitt’s Creek is absolutely my favorite show and it does feel like a safe happy place for me to disappear to for a few episodes. Still I sometimes get emotional watching the show when I notice the differences between my life and the character’s lives (specifically when there is like love and acceptance and pride and I don’t know, I have issues) and right now I’m dealing with a homophobic uncle and I guess I wanted to write this to help me process or something and to give me hope that when I come out, even if my uncle doesn’t accept me, I can still have a happy life with those who do support me.


End file.
